


Angels&Demons

by vogue91



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Drug Addiction, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-04-04 15:03:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14022810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: Ignoring the thought of his mother, Reid had always managed to lead a life that was the most normal possible, keeping himself out of those vicious circles that his mind itself created.He wasn’t a victim.





	Angels&Demons

Morgan had been watching him for a while now.

Reid felt his stare on him weighing more than a rock, and knowing the reason beneath that look didn’t help at all making him feel better.

He took some of the paperwork J.J. had left, trying to keep his focus on something, but he realized soon that it wasn’t possible.

He couldn’t ignore that stare, he couldn’t ignore his thoughts, he couldn’t ignore his hands shivering.

He raised his eyes to Derek, trying weakly to smile to his as if like that he could pretend that everything was alright, but the older agent wasn’t being fooled by so little.

He sat close to the genius, still without saying a word, though his eyes expressed more than enough, in Spencer’s opinion.

He felt like screaming, and he couldn’t.

He wanted to get up.

Get up, get inside the first bathroom he saw and take that damn drug, convinced that it was the only thing that was going to make him feel better.

With his job, he had met his fair share of junkies.

He had read books over books about it, he had studied different cases of addictions and could clearly recognize the signs.

Before that, he had only been told to stay away from all that was documented as damaging, from anything that could gave him an addiction, that could make him weak.

Knowing by heart every single symptom, every cause and effect, anyway, hadn’t proven helpful at all in the case in question.

“What’s wrong?” he asked Morgan, looking at him and trying to be as innocent as he could; once again, he couldn’t fool him.

“Spence...” Derek murmured, blame in his voice. Then he sighed, shrugging. “Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?” he tried, hoping to obtain some results by being the most direct possible.

Reid shrugged, determined not to open himself up too much.

He knew what Morgan was thinking, he knew he was right, and didn’t want to admit it.

“Nothing’s wrong. Why?” he asked, raising both his eyebrows.

Derek held out his hand on the table, trying with his fingers to brush the younger one’s, but Reid wasn’t prone to it, and moved his hand before he could touch him, with a gesture that couldn’t possibly pass as casual.

“Why...” he was starting to get annoyed, and noticed it. He lowered the tone, looking around as to make sure that no one could hear them. “It’s been just a week, kid, and you haven’t talked at all about what’s happened to you. It’s not healthy, and you know it as well. I know it’s hard, I know you’d rather pretend nothing happened, but...”

“But what?” Reid interrupted him, standing up. “I haven’t talked about it because I’ve got nothing to say. We deal with people like Tobias Hankel every day, we know what they think, we can profile them and get inside their heads to understand how they work. And we also know how victims react. So I don’t see why something like this should shake me at all, I...” he lost for a moment all that confidence he had built, and sighed slowly. “I know what happened and how I’ve felt. And I can assure you there’s nothing worth saying.” he finished, forcing himself to keep still, to control his expression and his gestures, aware of how difficult could be having a talk like that with a profiler.

Morgan looked at him, perplexed, but in the end he nodded.

“Okay. If you want to convince yourself that it’s like that, I can let you do it.” he said, frowning. “Then I suppose it won’t be a problem for you to come at my place tonight, right?” he asked, crossing his arms, waiting.

Reid swallowed, closing his eyes for just a moment.

“I’m sorry. I’m otherwise engaged tonight.” he answered, trying to think about an excuse as fast as possible.

“It’s been since...” Derek sighed, shaking his head. “It’s been a few days since you last came, while _before_ we spent together all of our free nights. Do you still wanna tell me that there’s nothing wrong?” he insisted, standing up, so close that Reid felt almost suffocating.

“I’m sorry, Derek.” he whispered, leaving the room without giving the other man a chance to tell him anything else.

He had spent too much time at work for the day, much more than his nerves could bear in that circumstance.

He couldn’t take it anymore.

He couldn’t keep lying to Morgan or the others, or even himself, always saying that everything was alright, that the time spent tied to that chair together with Tobias had left him unscathed.

And he understood all too well how none of them could believe him, because it was much unlikely that he could’ve gone through all that without any consequence.

He’d had nightmares for over a week.

He saw Tobias’ desperate face, he saw him trying to articulate a call for help, somehow, but when he tried to speak the voice Reid heard was always Raphael’s.

He shivered just thinking about it.

He didn’t know why that voice terrified him that much, even more than Charles’, but he always woke up startled from these nightmares and couldn’t go back to sleep anymore.

He couldn’t go on like that, he knew that much.

And yet every night he told himself it was going to be better, and every night his mind betrayed him.

He got up the bed, went to the bathroom and spent a few minutes staring at the shadows under his eyes in the mirror, feeling disgusted in himself while he discovered on the back of his hands scratches he didn’t know he had, while he was caught off guard from anxiety and panic, and the desire to find refuge in that treacherous drug grew.

Tobias needed it, he told himself.

He had needed it to escape from the life with his father, then he had needed his bipolarity to escape his death.

Tobias Hankel was sick, his mind was ill. And it had made him what he was.

Reid kept repeating himself that he wasn’t like this, that there was nothing wrong in his head, but it was a mantra that during the years had never accomplished the mission of putting him at ease.

No, it wasn’t all okay inside his brain, but it had been more a help than a hindrance to him.

Ignoring the thought of his mother, Reid had always managed to lead a life that was the most normal possible, keeping himself out of those vicious circles that his mind itself created.

He wasn’t a victim.

The people he helped every day were.

The families of the serial killers were victims, all those they terrorized were victims.

He had always been on the other side, and didn’t like to see this kind of label suddenly put on him. 

He reached inside his bag, abandoned on the floor, and took the small bottle and a syringe.

He looked at them for a long time, taking a deep breath before feeling the irritation growing inside of him, and throwing the bottle away, against a wall.

There was glass everywhere, but he would’ve worried about that later.

What he cared the most for now was having to face another night alone with his demons, and he knew he wasn’t going to make it.

It took him very little time to decide.

As much as he couldn’t afford to show all the scars Tobias had left on him, he still could let someone try and cure them.

Rebelling was useless, after all.

Derek was there, he desired to help him, and for once Spencer would’ve let him.

 

~

 

When he arrived to his door, he was almost afraid to ring the bell.

He would’ve never wanted to admit he had a problem, but even less he wanted to spend yet another night alone.

When Morgan came to the door he was surprised to see him, but moved aside to let him in.

“Spence... you said you weren’t going to come, what happened?” he asked, worried.

“Derek.” he said, hoarse. “Derek, I need help.” he admitted, letting the older man hug him, holding him tight, and deciding that pride or hiding didn’t matter anymore, that he just needed to be held like that, to feel safe inside those familiar arms.

“I’m here. I told you, didn’t I? Any time you need help, I’m here.” Morgan whispered, caressing his back.

They moved to the living room, sat on the couch, and Spencer allowed himself to rest his head on Derek’s lap, letting him keep caressing him.

“Spence?” Morgan called him, after a few minutes of silence. “Do you know why wars happen?”

Reid raised his head, frowning.

“Well, some philosophers think that war may derive from a recreational factor, since in primitive populations war was lived like a myth and it represented the eternal destiny of life and death. Of course, after that the concept of ‘war’ has evolved to the point of being...” he was interrupted when Morgan started laughing.

“Hold on, hold on. I didn’t mean anything this specific.” he said, brushing his hair, smiling and pressing a quick kiss to his lips. “Wars happens because the world has begun without men, and is going to end without men” he explained, serious again. “Isn’t it what we see every day? We keep dealing with people killing each other because they’re driven by an impulse that they don’t want to control, or that they can’t even explain.” he sighed, shrugging. “I think that’s why. People hurt other people, and it will be like this till the end. That’s what I’ve learnt from our job. But...” he smiled, and went back caressing him. “We can slow down the process, don’t you think so? We can sink how many of them as we can while they try to annihilate each other.”

Reid nodded briefly, as to say he understood his reasoning.

It was theoretically wrong, but he liked that point of view.

“With that you want to tell me that what happened served a purpose, Derek?” he asked, raising an eyebrow

“No, kid. With that I want to tell you that they won’t win, unless we let them. And I don’t want you to let them, that’s all.”

Spencer sighed, and finally smiled to him.

“I don’t want them to win.” he admitted, and for the first time he managed to shut  out the thought of the hours spent with Tobias. “I’ve got to help you sink them, don’t I?”

Derek laughed again, nodding.

“That’s right. It looks like we could use your help.” he murmured, never stopping to caress him.

“Seems right. We’re a team, aren’t we? We’re all needed, after all.” he thought about it, before going on. “For example, if the reasoning you’ve made right now had been for a case I could’ve pointed out that the condition for humanity’s extinction has been long argued among philosophers and historians, and they have come to the conclusion that... “ he stopped, biting his lip. “But it wasn’t for a case.” he murmured. “And I should learn what’s a right moment to talk and what’s a right moment to shut up.” he scolded himself, while Morgan shook his head, helping him to get up and holding his face against his chest, kissing his forehead.

“It doesn’t matter. It means you’re the usual Spencer. The one I love.” he commented, managing to make the younger one blush.

Reid stayed that way, not at all anxious to move anytime soon.

He knew, and Morgan knew as well, how far the solution to his problem still was.

He knew that the thought of what had happened was going to come back, that it would’ve taken sleep away from him, he knew his addiction had just started, but that night he didn’t care.

In that moment, he just wanted to be where he was, with Derek.

It was all he needed.


End file.
